Hey, Let’s Bring it Back to Me
The TEO Ka-tet* Issue # 28
We’ve all done it and we will all do it again.
We are talking with a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance…whomever. They are telling us a story or just telling us about something that happened to them and, at their slightest pause, we go in for the hijack. That’s assuming we don’t start talking over them and then completely hijack them. We may be meaning to join with them by sharing our story or association. We may be trying to relate to them or to connect, but none of those intentions matter. By turning the conversation to ourselves, we take the attention away from the other and we steal the stage. They are telling us about their experience and, before you know it, we are talking about our experience. It happens all too frequently and most of us are guilty as charged.
Barbara Hulburt of The McCammon Group in Richmond, Virginia has offered so much wisdom on communication over the years. In one of her workshops, she talked about when communication becomes competitive and the impact that can have on a conversation. There was an example she used of a person chatting with a friend about their excitement in attending a Bruce Springsteen concert. The friend, rather than saying, “Wow! How cool! Tell me all about it” did what a lot of us do. “Oh, yeah. He’s awesome. I saw him perform several years ago”— on they go about their experience. Barbara conveyed the story far better than we have here, but you can imagine what happened to the person’s enthusiasm in sharing their story. The energy in sharing decreased, ruining what could have been a great conversation and connection.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all had it done to us. However, there is some hope for change. The realistic hope is not so much that we STOP making the mistake, but that we catch ourselves in the act, ask forgiveness, and turn the conversation back to our conversational partner. Now, if the “interrupter” and “usurper” lacks self-awareness, then all is pretty much lost unless the other person directly confronts them. But most of us, understandably, do not like confronting people and most of us don’t want to “force” someone to listen to us.
In many ways, like the simplest and most important things in life, the solution requires just basic insight and then daily (maybe hourly) practice…the latter is the hard part. Most of us know that we should listen more than we talk. We know we should ask open-ended questions that facilitate the full telling of a person’s story. We know we should listen attentively and thoughtfully. We should not be thinking about what we are going to say in response while the other person is speaking but be fully present to the other. We all “know” these things…so what are the barriers that prevent us from behaving differently in conversation with each other?
Let’s put forth a few theories to which most of us can admit guilt:
1. Humans have a strong tendency to be self-centered. Although we may think that we are, most of us are not terribly “selfless.” We tend to see ourselves and put ourselves as the center of the universe. If asked, we will deny it, but we often behave in a way that is consistent with that view. We tend to see the world from our perspective and, even when we briefly put a crack in that mold, we tend to go back to it like a set point and seal up the crack.
2. Related to the above, we tend to be more interested in our own experience and our judgment of others. We tend to be less oriented to listening and asking questions that lead to the other person opening up more. One need only ask the simple questions such as, “That is interesting. Please tell me more.” Or, “Wow I know nothing about that. Please educate me.”
3. Another reason, related to self-awareness, is that we do not take our own time in reflection to process our own thoughts, experiences, struggles and successes. With the constant competition for our time (TV, podcasts, social media, etc.) we can tend to tune in to external voices rather than our own. The more we do internal processing, the less we need to do that while in conversation with others.
4. A fourth reason could be that we simply are not that interested in changing or seeing the world from a different standpoint. We all know that change is hard. Suspending judgment is hard. Quieting that self-centered non-stop chatter in our heads is hard. And, if you are like us, that self-chatter is not really that great.
5. Yet one more reason is that it always seems like we are in a rush, and this may only be getting worse. We have trouble slowing a conversation down, providing space, and really listening. Pausing seems anathema these days. Conversation can be like rapid-fire ping pong, rather than a slower and more thought-filled engagement. Rather than initiate a slowing down, we just throw paragraphs back and forth.
There are probably lots of more intelligent ways to explain this phenomenon, but most anyone with some degree of self-awareness could put our name on all four of these theories to varying degrees. If we can at least admit we are all guilty of the above, we can help each other out in a judgment-free zone…and with some gentle humor. How wonderful to say to someone, “You know, I really have not been listening. I’m lost in my own thoughts again and I owe you an apology for that. Would you be willing to start what you were saying from the beginning and give me another chance?” Most people will knowingly laugh and be gracious about it.
Exercise: We usually do a reflective exercise here, but we suggest this time that you approach this as an action exercise. When you are in conversation over the next couple of weeks, as often as possible consider if you are really listening and then, when you are talking, are you really connecting or just speaking out of your own autobiography? Catch yourself, redirect toward the other, and, if it has gone too far, try the “stop and apologize approach” described above.
Now, one caveat. If we find ourselves always listening to someone and always prompting them to say more and not getting some of that in return, perhaps that is not a friend…just someone who wants an audience. Conversation should be mutual and not competitive. Leave time for space, silence, processing, and thoughtful responses. It is harder work than one may think. That’s why we can say confidently that we will all make these errors in listening and really being with our friend over and over again. Sometimes we just have to say like dear Brittany, “Oops I did it again” – and then tune back into our friend and really listen.
Wishing you wonderful conversations that feed the soul,
Jim and Linda
* Ka-tet - A group of people bound together by ka (destiny) for a sense of purpose. Credit: Stephen King from his novel, The Gunslinger.
TEO Ka-tet is the property of James Burke and Linda Pierce operating as TEOconsulting, LLC
https://teoconsulting.org/
Wow, this is awesome! I will be practicing this!
Fresh perspective....love it