Love After Love: A Poetic Exploration (Part 3 of 5)

Issue #15

Thank you for joining us for the third part of our five part reflection on Derek Walcott’s poem, “Love After Love.” We suggest that with each installment, you review his brief poem. Please see our first part of this mini-series for the poem.

This section delves beautifully into how we can embrace ourselves, not in an indulgent manner, but just in a loving manner. That in and of itself may feel indulgent to many of us.

So…let us pick up at “chapter” four…and indulge yourself a bit.

Four: Greet yourself arriving

Almost right from the beginning, Walcott tells us that this is not a poem about finding someone else after a break-up or ending of a relationship. We could easily expect from the title that this could be about finding that special someone else after a relationship has ended. Instead, it is about finding one’s self, but we can imagine that this did not happen overnight as was already noted. It came with time, effort, and sadness.

This poem was written well before “selfies” as we know them, but there is a long history of selfies in a sense. Photobooths of old were just early selfies. Self-portraits in photography, painting, and sculpture are all selfies. Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and been surprised that you don’t look as bad as you thought, perhaps even a little nice, handsome, cute, sweet? Somehow, for a brief moment that self-critical voice was too slow to the game and you caught yourself being kind to yourself…even for just a passing few seconds.

This small crack is the opening to a new vision, a new possibility of being okay after a long and difficult time, regardless of how that suffering was brought about. If we are honest, we can always take at least partial responsibility for our own unhappiness. Perhaps we attached ourselves to someone or something that did not give a reciprocal level of energy or commitment or whatever it is to the relationship. Think of giving your all to an organization and thinking your boss was supportive only to find that they threw you under the bus. The same is true with a lover, a partner, or any relationship. There is a part of us that was drawn to the relationship with a person or job that we may have to work on in therapy, but life can be messy. Let’s try not to judge ourselves too much.

As the separation from a person, a job, a cause grows and the feelings fade, there is more room for one’s self, broken free from the cycle that kept you tied down. It is not just that “they” did something to us, but also, in many cases, that we allowed ourselves to be “done to.” Taking back agency is painful in some respects, but it frees us from being a victim. It is the only way to reclaim our own lives. We may feel foolish for a bit. That is quite normal. We may ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I see that?” or castigate ourselves for seeing the problems, but not taking action. This is just part of the human experience.

Reflection: Think of a time when you were actually kind to yourself and not finding fault with how you look, or how you felt, or what you did. For some of us, those are rare and special moments. Did the joy of even that split second help? Are there ways to extend that split second to a few minutes or even hours? What can you do to treat yourself and greet yourself arriving at this possible new space?

Five: At your own door, in your own mirror

The door is an entrance to our physical home and to our internal world as well. A friend of James recently bought a condominium and has been talking about how she wants to decorate it with the paintings she loves and with the objects she treasures. She only has to create a space for herself and a small spot for out-of-town guests who come to visit. There is great freedom and joy in this. Yes, there will be lonely times, but she is being very intentional about the space she wants to create for herself. How can we all be more intentional artists who draw upon the canvas of our space, our mind, and our spirit? How do you create a space, a room, or even a whole home for yourself?

Arriving at the door to your inner world, you lift the latch into your truer self. This home is meant to be a safe place, a place that is yours and one that you “decorate” with that which most reflects your true self, with the essence of your being.

The mirror is an interesting object here for some very good reasons. We would not presume that the poet was thinking about D.W. Winnicott’s work on mirroring, but let’s follow it for a bit. Winnicott posited that the mother (and this should include the father, but he was writing quite a while ago) mirrors the baby’s affect. When the baby looks at the mother, they should see themselves reflected in the parent’s eyes. This is a key step, he suggested, in the development of the true self. Accurate mirroring is a step toward mental health. However, when the baby looks up at the parent and sees anxiety, depression, self-concern, the baby is not mirrored and begins the long journey to developing a false self. The baby has to adapt to the source of their feeding, comfort, and need fulfillment in order to survive. It is not overly dramatic to say that this, for the child, is a life-or-death matter.

The repetition of “your” in the poem is clearly meaningful. He uses variants of “your” seven times and “you” 5 times. It can sound very selfish with all the you, your, yourself, and your self. We would suggest that the “you” is a conduit to the greater world. It is like the old adage of putting your air supply on before assisting others. Our capacity to help others is greatly enhanced when we are more fully able to help them because we have a breathing source. To help others more fully, we have to fully find ourselves. The tricky part of that, for some, can be setting healthy boundaries. Who are the people who elevate you, who want you to be the real you? Who are the takers in your life who really do not offer you much in return? Make an actual list for yourself. One does not have to be rigid or mean in this process. It just may be important to think about yourself a bit more at this time.

Reflection: Imagine decorating your interior home. What would that look like? Try and come up with a clear image of it. You can remodel anytime, so just think how it would look at this time. Would it be very simple or have lots of things inside? Have some fun with this. Draw or write out what you imagine your inner home would look like and think about visiting this place each day. It can be a respite for you that provides you space for you.

Six: And each will smile at the other’s welcome

Imagine the poet coming home and perhaps passing a small hallway mirror, catching a quick look at himself and noticing a little sparkle in the eye, a little glint that says “I see you.” Perhaps even a slight smile. What does it mean to be truly seen? There is the Zulu greeting, Sawunona. It means, “I see you.”

We think of this as the smile of recognition, the look of acceptance. The image that comes to mind is one of care and kinship. “Hi. I know you. You look happy. It is good to see you.” There is a genuine coming home in this image, a genuine welcome. “I see you and who I see is good.” When we start coming back to who we really are at a soul level, we are happier. Notice that there is no criticism in the mirror. How often do we look in the mirror to find out what is wrong, what is out of place? Certainly, we do not want to be like Narcissus and fall in love with the reflected image of ourselves. But between the two poles, there is a lot of room. It would not hurt to say to ourselves in the mirror, “You look good today. I see the beauty of your soul in your eyes and in your smile.”

It is interesting that we often look at a perfect stranger with more kind eyes than we look at ourselves. We should certainly not give up the kindness toward others, but we could begin to extend it toward ourselves a bit more. That should not be too much to ask, but it often is for many of us. How do we begin making shifts in this area for ourselves and extend compassion inward? How do we begin to soften our gaze toward ourselves and start turning down the volume on that critical internal voice?

Reflection: Next time you are in front of a mirror, pause and look for what is right. It can be anything at all. Look with gentleness on the image, perhaps noticing that how your eyes may smile, how your expression shows kindness, or how your smile expresses warmth. Stay with that feeling as long as you can…and then just a little longer. Well done.

Until next time, we encourage you to reflect and practice being gentle with yourself.

Jim and Linda

* Ka-tet - A group of people bound together by ka (destiny) for a sense of purpose. Credit: Stephen King from his novel, The Gunslinger.

TEO Ka-tet is the property of James Burke and Linda Pierce operating as TEOconsulting, LLC

https://teoconsulting.org/

Jim@teoconsulting.org

Linda@teoconsulting.org