Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word: The Importance of Apology in the Workplace
TEO Ka-tet* #20
The mournful sound of the classic Elton John song, “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word,” especially the version sung by Taron Egerton in the movie Rocketman, makes us think about the importance of apology and, in the context of this newsletter, how it relates to the workplace. When consulting and conducting leadership workshops, we often hear about the cruelties people have experienced in their jobs. When we ask people how many have heard the words “I’m sorry” spoken to them by a supervisor, peer, or colleague, the answer is almost always the same: “Never.” This is particularly disheartening as a simple and sincere apology is so easy to offer.
We all make mistakes and we have all likely failed to apologize to some people whom we have wronged. Even if we tend to be a live and let live kind of person, most of us could generate a short list of people who we feel owe us an apology. As you read this essay, try to be mindful of both those who owe you an apology but also those to whom you owe an apology. It is sometimes easy to see how we have been wronged, but we need to see both sides of the coin.
Over the years, we have heard numerous stories of the destructive nature of people within the workplace. We have heard of people in a leadership role wielding their authority in a manner that can only be described as abusive. We have seen managers keep people down using their “will” to undermine their own team so they can maintain their ego. We have seen people pit one employee against another and let them act out in a dysfunctional manner. What was consistent in nearly all of these situations was a lack of accountability and the absence of an apology. At almost no point in the vast number of these situations did the person who inflicted harm to their team or their colleagues reach back out and offer an acknowledgement of their human failing coupled with a simple statement: “I owe you a sincere apology and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
We were chatting with two colleagues about this issue recently. They quite wisely noted that people who tend to use their power to inflict harm in the workplace do not think, “Gosh, I wonder if I was a jerk.” They don’t even think that way, they said. This truth can be hard to take in fully as it can make one give up on some people, but as life continues, we know that we have to put our limited emotional energy where it belongs. We have to stop living in the past waiting for that long overdue apology that we know, at some level, will never arrive.
As we noted above, we also must look internally. Steps 8, 9, and 10 of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-Step program pack a great deal of difficult wisdom into them. They are presented as actions one has taken:
8. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all”.
9. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”.
10. “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it”.
There are many good applications of the Twelve Steps overall and there is a great deal of value in thinking about how they apply to the addiction to our ego and its preservation and the harm that comes from that. It is that need to protect an ideal of who we think we are that so often gets us into trouble and unable to admit when we were the jerk. In the end, of course, at the risk of sounding trite, we can only control our side of the game. Sure, we can hope that the overdue apology will come our way through a letter or a remorseful phone call, but it probably will not. So, we are left with perhaps that unsatisfying reality of cleaning up our own mess knowing that it will not necessarily have some sort of karmic effect that will open others to seek our forgiveness. Intellectually, we all probably know that, but sometimes the emotions and fantasies can lag behind. That is just normal.
Activity: This is a rough one, but one we are taking seriously. Do some journaling about Steps 8-10 noted above and imagine the who and how you envision that happening. You may want to limit that to your work relationships (past and present) or you may want to extend this to your personal relationships as well. Steps 8 and 10 are likely certainly easier than Step 9. Step 8 can bring up painful memories of when we have hurt others and, for this exercise weigh heavy on our souls. The good thing about Step 10 is that there is not a day (or at least a week) when we do not owe someone an apology for something we said or did; we can practice our “I am genuinely sorry” muscles beginning today. Before going into Step 9, you may want to give some considered thought to this recent piece from NPR:
https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1151401025/sorry-sorry-sorry-believes-in-the-power-of-a-good-apology
In closing, let us give considered measure to our hurts and also those we have hurt. Give time to both, not one more than the other. When taking action, make sure that such action comes from the right place. Give not too much recalcitrance or too much action. Remember that when seeking the forgiveness of others, we can only come in humility and not expectation. Some may not be willing to forgive just as there may be times when we are or have been unwilling to forgive.
Do what is kind to the other and keep all expectations low, but loving.
Jim and Linda
* Ka-tet - A group of people bound together by ka (destiny) for a sense of purpose. Credit: Stephen King from his novel, The Gunslinger.
TEO Ka-tet is the property of James Burke and Linda Pierce operating as TEOconsulting, LLC
https://teoconsulting.org/
Thank you Jim and Linda
I have recently asked for forgiveness from my two sisters for actions that I was not aware of until recently. It took a month for me to construct the letter.