Recently, each of us individually reconnected with friends from long ago – friends who knew us at completely different stages of our lives and whom we had not seen in years. These experiences are important for many reasons, not least of which is that these relationships crossed decades of personal change and life experiences. There is great comfort in speaking with someone who has known you as you travelled through various chapters of your life.
When sitting down face-to-face or having a long overdue phone conversation with a friend not seen for some time, it can be hard to fill in all the gaps since when we were bound together in more frequent personal contact. How does one adequately explain the losses and the joys you experienced, or how you gravitated from one direction to another? Perhaps your life philosophy or focus has changed significantly since you were last together. Maybe your daily habits are different. Bringing the old relationship up-to-date can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding; it can be a chance to reflect together about the themes and the changes we have experienced.
In some cases, the past can bring remembrances of pain, and the mere thought of some aspects bring physical unease and mental anguish. For others, the past may hold what seem the best of times. Most of us have sat with an older adult whose conversations center around the past – sometimes repeating stories from long ago over and over. In the moment, it can be frustrating for the listener, yet a glance at the speaker usually shows a joy in the sharing of a special memory.
So here we are, in the present, examining the past. Today the advice is often “be in the moment” or “be present in the now” with an emphasis on containment to what is happening currently without regard to the past or the future. Meditation encourages one to let pass any thoughts that enter the mind so that the mind is empty. We wholeheartedly agree with these practices, but part of personal growth includes reckoning various parts of oneself – those that you embrace, and those that you recognize as needing improvement. This includes holding both the past “you” and the present “you” in some kind of balance, and, potentially including the future “you”. If we ignore the past “you” we limit the potential learning and motivation to move the current “you” forward. While it may be tempting to shut some of the old habits and responses to things in a black hole, this can limit our ability to learn from the past and be motivated by it to make important changes in the present and future.
What is our relationship to the past? Does it occupy us too much? Are we haunted by the past in a way that prevents us from moving fully into the present and the future? Are we so defended against the past that it silently weighs us down internally? There are times when we want to forget about the past. There may be times when we want to live in the past like Gatsby, even though we know that is impossible.
Faulkner said it well in Requiem for a Nun: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past. All of us labor in webs spun long before we were born, webs of hereditary and environment, of desire and consequence, of history and eternity.” Faulkner captured the complexity of how the past, present, and future all co-exist.
Activity: During the coming week, take note if you have a tendency to speak more about the past, the present, or the future. Are you telling stories about what happened a lot and focused on the past? Are you engaged in the present moment with your thoughts, conversations, writing, etc.? Are you often planning out the next day, week, year and living more in the future? As you observe yourself (and others), does the balance seem to work? Sometimes we spend too much time in the past or so much time and energy worrying about the future; both of these limit our experience of the present. Find out the right balance for you. Maybe you need to stop telling stories about the past and create new adventures in the present. Perhaps you need to let the anxiety about the future go and let today’s worries be enough.
We humans certainly have our fair share of complexities. We can get lost in the past, whether in the delight of wonderful memories or the sadness of painful ones. We can be too focused on what “may” happen, that we prevent ourselves from experiencing the now. In the end, past, present and future are always present and we need to make friends with each of them in a way that works uniquely for the individual.
In the words of Ocean Vuong in his book, "On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous", he describes the past not as static, but as something that should be re-visited, and re-interpreted, with new insight.
"The past never a fixed and dormant landscape but one that is re-seen. Whether we want to or not, we are traveling in a spiral, we are creating something new from what is gone."
No matter what, keep creating memories by looking outward into the world and keeping your heart, mind, and soul open to whatever is and whatever is ahead.
Stay curious, stay well,
Jim and Linda
* Ka-tet - A group of people bound together by ka (destiny) for a sense of purpose. Credit: Stephen King from his novel, The Gunslinger.
TEO Ka-tet is the property of James Burke and Linda Pierce operating as TEOconsulting, LLC
https://teoconsulting.org/
Interesting perspective that now gives me another rabbit hole to explore. We recently moved into our new house, an odyssey that began 7 years ago, and took every bit of 5 years and three months to finally accomplish (but who's counting?) We spent so much time trying to get here, talking about the journey and each hurdle and now we spend most of our time talking about how we got here and things we are still working on. I've had a couple of moments recently when I've reviewed in my mind how much time and energy went into getting here, what now? I'm guessing that will pass with time (or it will become some type of PTSD neurosis!) So maybe it is time to begin dreaming of the next chapter and stop reviewing the last one. Though I have to admit, the grand accomplishment and the dragons we slayed along the way are great tales around the fire...arrrrrr!